My mom can Google it for you
In A Nutshell
by REBECCA CHAISSON
“Did you know that mascara is made out of bat poop?” Mom asked me in the middle of a conversation that had absolutely nothing to do with makeup or fecal matter. In fact, we were talking about her unfortunate husband.
“And who told you that?” I asked because, sometimes, my mother makes up her own stories. She should write her own column someday. Just an idea.
“I Googled it,” she announced.
Pause. Big, giant pause, followed by confused look as to why she would Google “bat poop” in the first place.
Then Mom returned to the topic of her husband.
“It’s raining on his hay,” she said. “He’s outside watching it rain on his hay, like he can stop it from raining. I told him it was supposed to rain. He doesn’t listen …”
As Mom started ranting and raving about my poor stepfather, I secretly tuned her out and returned my attention to the subject of Mother online.
Be afraid. Be very afraid.
I still remember receiving a phone call from my mother while I was in college. I took the call because I assumed it was an emergency. She knew I was in class, but contacted me anyway.
Sure enough, she was in a panic.
“Becca, your computer light is glowing,” she freaked out.
“Okay?” I said. “Is it also shooting sparks or something?”
“No,” she continued. “It’s just glowing. And when I push the little clicker thing, the screen shoots stars at me.”
“Mom,” I patiently explained. “The computer is glowing because it’s on. The clicker thing is a mouse. And the shooting stars, well, that’s my screensaver. Why are you on my computer?”
“I’m not,” she said. “I was just worried about it because it was glowing.”
“It’ll be okay, Mom,” I said. “Now slowly back away …”
It’s funny because Mom uses that same line when I stand too close to a stove.
Fast forward 10 years or so, and Mom has her own computer and I have my own cooking appliances.
Scary, right? I told you so.
At first, Mom took baby steps with her computer. I think she bought it specifically to play Bejeweled.
But then, during my daily lunch visits to her home, I started finding these suspicious packages left on her doorstep. The packages, shipped from all over the nation, were only shipped to her home when my stepfather was working offshore.
Investigative techniques were used – as in I opened one of the boxes – and that’s when I realized the horror that had occurred.
Mom had discovered Ebay.
“Where did you get this giant collection of He-Man toys?” I asked as I glanced inside the box.
“Why are you going through my mail?” she spit back as she stole my find from me.
“Cause it was glowing,” I said. (Seriously. I don’t remember He-Man ever having a light saber but he totally had one in the box. I’m not making that up.)
“I bought the toys for the grandbaby,” she said. “There was an auction and I placed the winning bid.”
I was in shock.
“I can explain,” she said. “Your sister posted something on Facebook about old toys … and so I set up a Paypal account … and I came across this lot on Ebay … and next thing you know, I received an email notification that I had won it …”
My mom just said “Facebook” and “Paypal” and “Ebay” and “email” in the same sentence.
Fast learner? Maybe next time I turn on my stove, my pot will instantly have gravy in it. (Yeah, so I’m still not sure where gravy comes from.)
“He doesn’t listen,” Mom said again, shifting my attention back to my stepfather who was still doing some sort of suspicious rain dance outside.
“So when was the last time you bought a tube of mascara?” Mom asked me, sounding a little bat poop crazy.
“No clue,” I said. “Why?”
“You’re supposed to open a new tube every three months,” she said, “otherwise, the bat poop can cause an eye infection.”
“Mom, you can’t believe everything you read on the Internet,” I said.
“Oh, I didn’t just read about it,” Mom said. “Come watch this video someone posted on YouTube …”
(Editor’s Note: I’m now curious as to how many of you will Google “Is mascara made of bat poop?” after reading this column. Let me know if you need my mom’s help finding it.)
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