Editorial Columns Archive
To the Class of 2008
, Assistant Editor
05-11-2008
As has become my regular tradition, I’d like to use my space during this week of the year to offer advice to the graduating high school seniors in our area.
Over the past few years, I have imparted my singular wisdom, hoping to help them avoid the pitfalls that have snared me and so many of my generation. I feel it to be my duty to help the youth, since my broad, varied, and yes, legendary life experiences make me such a wonderful candidate to give other people unsolicited advice.
In the past, I’ve spoken of fiscal responsibility (something me and my big screen TV are known for), college preparation (or at least how to expertly make Ramen noodles) and other topics (most of which I’ve already forgotten).
I do think, however, that these are issues addressed ad nauseum by parents, grandparents, teachers, administrators and valedictorian speechwriters. And since you are young, dear graduates, you won’t listen to my advice anyway. This is probably as it should be.
Still, there are tons of life lessons adults simply forget to tell you about. It’s not their fault. They forget what it’s like to be young, and they take the wonderfulness of maturity for granted. You, dear graduates, are about to step into a wonderful new phase in your lives, about to become a member of a fantastic club. Let me lay it all out for you. Oh, you’re welcome.
• Members Only - In a couple of weeks, you should get your “I’m a Big Kid Now” membership card in the mail. This card will enable you to all the rights of an adult (cool stuff, like mortgages and habeas corpus) and will get you cool discounts you couldn’t get as a kid (Water parks? Free admission, baby!).
You’ll get the Grown-Up Newsletter twice a month, filled with things that adults like to read about, such as tax shelters, restructuring debt, welfare reform, illegal immigration and Spackle. On the back page are cool coupons.
We have meetings sometimes. No one knows why. We don’t always go.
• What’s so funny ‘bout peace, love and understanding? - One of the neat-o things about being an adult is how tolerant you become of the world around you. There’s no more of the manufactured drama of high school.
After all, you threw tantrums when you were 3-years-old. But now, as an adult, everyone you meet will be rational, calm and reasonable. Look at politics. Those guys settle their differences amicably, without the burdens of ego and self-interest. They’re grown-ups, and grown-ups settle their problems with the common good in mind. Get ready for a life of calm, reasoned, enlightened discourse.
• Working hard or hardly working? - Everything you’ve been taught about hard work is true. It is always richly rewarded and automatically leads to a life of success. As an adult, all employers will want your input and respect your decisions, and you’ll be an integral part of any team. You’ll only have to work 40 hours a week, which sounds like a lot, but most places of business have a spa room to keep workers relaxed. No more working weekends and odd hours for you. Your bazillion dollars should be here any day now, and when you retire at 35, you’ll hardly be able to remember that Business Math class you took for first hour.
• Simplifying your life with offspring - Children will be a stabilizing influence on your life as a young adult, and as a bonus, they make models now that only cry during daylight hours. Just tell your OB-GYN you want a “Day Cry Kid.”
Rearing a child is serious business, which is why most business leaders are sympathetic. I’ve never heard of any employer denying a parent a day off to take little Junior to SeaWorld. Plus, when they’re old enough, you can send them to school. That’s why we pay for public school – so we have someone to raise our children for us.
• Home is where you hang your XBox - Houses are ridiculously easy to get, and as an adult, you’re totally entitled to one. When you learn the Secret Adult Handshake (it’s harder than it looks), you can go down to the bank and just ask them for a house. They keep spares. You even get to pick the color!
• Manual labor - The best part about being an adult is that when you get stuck, there is a manual for every situation to help you. It’s part of a series called Manual for Life, brought to you by the same people who invented that money tree. Whenever you find yourself in a jam, just visit any library and peruse the stacks for the solution. It’s the single greatest resource available, and it’s yours absolutely free. You shouldn’t have to use it that often, though, since as an adult, you know everything.
So, congratulations on your acceptance into the club, dear high school graduates. I know I make adulthood sound like a wonderland, and it is. Don’t get me wrong, there is a dark side to it, as well. But don’t worry about that for now. That’s what college graduations are for.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, my new house is ready.
