Editorial Columns Archive
It is your journey
Don West,
09-02-2010
One of the comments that I hear while attending wakes or funerals is, “Oh, I know you have been through this so you know how I feel.” If that is comforting to the one who says it, so be it, but I am here to tell you that I don’t know how you truly feel. I have much sympathy for those who are mourning the loss of a loved one, but each person handles death and mourning in a different way. Yes, I have been through the loss of my spouse, but if you have lost your spouse or a child in death, your feelings, your recovery, your time and space needed for mourning is truly an individual journey. No one can make the journey for you, and you cannot avoid the journey.
You may attempt to delay that journey, you may spend time wishing that your loved one was still here or you may never face the reality that death is part of life and those of us left here must move forward and embrace whatever life has to bring to us. There are just two rules. Rule No. 1: Death is inevitable. Rule No. 2: We can’t change Rule No. 1. What we can change – if needed – is how we accept life. I have learned that most of us will live our lives after the loss of our loved one pretty much like we lived life before, but with some adjustments.
First, we are certainly sorrowful. We have not only lost that person who was our life partner, but we have lost the opportunity to carry out all those plans for the future. Those who go through divorce face the same realities. Plans of retirement, travel, grandchildren and marriages all seem dashed on the rocks of reality. But that is if your glass is half empty. If your glass is half full, there are now other opportunities in your future. Many can be some of the same plans, but with adjustments. You may – as I did – find another to fill your life, and that union can and will become full of the future. You may choose to live the single life, but that doesn’t mean you have to be a recluse as there are boundless opportunities to continue to enjoy life for each day that you have. There are still siblings, children, grandchildren, nieces, nephews and friends. They don’t change, still love you and need you in their lives and you need them in yours.
As we age, life certainly throws us some curves that we don’t expect, especially when they happen suddenly. We can expect to hear and be witness to many more of our friends and relatives who become ill, battle infirmities and, yes, die. You don’t like it and I don’t like it, but we have to deal with it until – as Joe Durham recently pointed out to me – we get to the front of the line. I look at the growing number of my classmates who are battling disease or infirmity as we are in our mid-60s. Yet, I saw a delightful lady at the funeral home recently and she will soon be 97. Except for failing eyesight, she is the picture of health and happiness. I see how active my in-laws are in their mid-80s and hope that I can enjoy good health and happiness for many years to come. However, I refuse to pull a bag over my head and fear the unknown, because death is not unknown. We may not know the day or the hour, but death is not a stranger to any of us.
As I write this, I just received an e-mail from a friend who is facing a life battle and he sends a message to all of us. “Running water does not return.
So is life. Be happy.”
