Mummies give the worst marital advice

I’m Just Sayin’


I pretty much know, on some level, that I am crazy.

If you read my column regularly, you are probably nodding in agreement.

Thankfully, on the days when I feel particularly imbalanced or that I have warped views on life, Pat Robertson speaks and I realize I am totally normal.

At least compared to him.

There are people in this world we all enjoy listening to or reading about because all you can do is laugh nervously at their ranting: Glenn Beck; Kanye West; Donald Trump; any Maury Povich guest; Vice President Joe Biden; any member of Westboro “Baptist Church”; and, of course, Robertson.

If you are not familiar with Robertson – well, you’re lucky, but if you don’t know him, here is everything in a nice package: he is a former Southern Baptist minister who helped found the Christian Broadcasting Network (CBN) and “The 700 Club”, a Christian news/counseling series he also co-anchors. He made a failed attempt at gaining the Republican Party’s presidential nomination for the 1988 elections. He has no experience as a meteorologist but contributes any major natural disaster to gays and lesbians and feminists. He also blamed those same members of society for the 9/11 attacks and pretty much blames them for anything that goes wrong anywhere in the world.

He also makes millions of Christians across the world drop their heads into their hands while moaning, “Please stop talking, you’re making us all look like deranged idiots.”

Just in May, a female caller to “The 700 Club” series asked Robertson how to help her deal with her husband’s infidelity.

Robertson’s advice? “Here’s the secret. Stop talking about the cheating. He cheated on you. Well, he’s a man. Does he provide a home for you to live in? Does he provide food for you to eat? Does he provide clothes for you to wear? Is he nice to the children … is he handsome?…Males have a tendency to wander a bit, and what you want to do is make the home so wonderful that he doesn’t want to wander.”

CBN, Robertson’s own network which airs “The 700 Club,” even tried to clear up the matter by saying it was a “misunderstanding.”

But Robertson is really big on the “he’s a man” excuse, only helping to confirm male stereotypes in society.

During the scandal last year in which it was revealed Gen. David Petraeus had an affair with his biographer, Paula Broadwell, Robertson said it wasn’t surprising since she was “an extremely good looking woman” and Petraeus was “a man.”

Robertson has no love for gay people or feminists and believes they are destroying society and straight families. Husbands who cheat on wives? Eh, they’re guys, whatcha gonna do? Certainly that does not destroy the family unit.

It gets even better, though.

On a recent episode of “700”, another woman called for advice on how to confront her husband regarding his constant infidelity.

And here is Robinson’s million-dollar answer:  “Ma’am, with all due respect, it seems like the problem in your marriage is disobedience. When a wife disobeys her husband the holy bond between the two starts to disintegrate and all sorts of problems start to crop up…The apostle Paul tells us in Corinthians the importance of submission. And when you lose that submission in a marriage, there’s only one solution: a sound spanking on the bottom…Wives must be spanked by their husbands. It’s the only way to keep biblical order. Nothing too hard, just enough to let her know he’s the one in charge. So I have to ask, when was your last spanking, dear?”

Cue a woman who is, in my opinion, awesome: “Excuse me? I ask you how to confront my husband over his cheating, and you tell me to get spanked? My husband’s never spanked me. I would never let that happen…And what kind of crazy, chauvinistic mummy would even suggest such a thing? Do you ever think before you speak? Or are you trying to sound like a outdated male pig?”

Robertson answered, “You see, that’s exactly the kind of attitude that tells me you’re not getting the discipline you need at home.” In his mummy-like wisdom, he added that the purpose of women is to obey men, have babies and cook meat. But, in true Robertson form, he added that lesbianism, feminism – and even vegetarianism – had contributed to her poor attitude. He also said, “So stop worrying about what your husband is up to, and just get back to basics.”

Remember the old, creepy Reverend Cain in the “Poltergeist” films, the one who needed little Carrie Ann’s soul to avoid damnation? That’s Robertson. In a long line of laughable, so-called ministers or spiritual leaders, I roll my eyes less when Rev. Jesse Jackson speaks compared to when Robertson speaks.

However, he makes me feel like one of society’s normal members. No matter how bad my day gets, no matter what I face, at least at the end of the day I can lay my head on my pillow and be thankful I am not as crazy as Pat Robertson.

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Posted by on Jun 19 2013. Filed under Editorial Columns. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

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